Looking Within...

I never like to look at myself in the mirror. I would be picking on my non-symmetrical facial features, my untamable hair, my failing foot, and failing spine ... etc... That's the physical part.

I never like to look at myself in the mirror. I would be picking on my stupidity, my incapability to make better decisions, my incapability to change the matters around me to a more positive light...

Basically, I am inadequate. I am typing this right now at a whim because my foot is acting up again. I am typing this right now because someone's blog has triggered me to look within. Personally, I feel that I won't blame the people around me making weird decisions, be their decisions hurtful to me and others. I feel that I was inadequate to handle it.

I am not strong. I am limited. Yet living and moving on is what I can do.

Idealism

It is set by Man. I can just end off the discussion with the previous sentence and that kinds of sums up almost everything and anything.

What's more to discuss anyway? Some people will like some others' ideals while others may stay neutral or be against them. Then again, the ideals come from Man.

"We reap what we sow." I guess it is still valid. If you have the mentality that you are weak, it may hamper you. If you have the mentality that you want to be stronger, you may be stronger then.

We are what we think. It is sometimes chilling to know that we are the ones who limit ourselves.

Mountains and Seas...

The fan... It is old, yet still usable. The fan's purpose is to ventilate and cool the surroundings.

Yet perceptions can change everything... From an old serviceable fan, it can mean mountains and seas...

Perceptions are powerful...

Perceptions, words, actions...

Words can really be the tools of misconceptions. Guided by different perceptions, words can either be words that heal, or words that hurt.

Actions are once thought to be fatuals or proof of some stuff. Yet actions can also be misleading based on different perceptions...

What is most accurate to impart the intentions to someone? The intention may be good but yet it is hurtful in different perceptions. Is it because of this that people have to keep things secret to others?

All I can say is that I believe intentions are good but they may end up being misunderstood because of the way it is handled. Be direct, and hope that the other party receives it well.

Acceptance in life

What do I really think? What do I really want to do? What do I really want? Who am I?

I found myself unable to answer. I have been building walls around me. The Great Wall of China may be nothing compared to the walls I built around myself. I succeeded in hiding myself from others so well that I have also hid myself from me, too.

Guess I am offered a chance to really let down the walls. It certainly lightens my mood.

Right or Wrong?

If you haven't noticed, our lives evolve around this question: right or wrong? Principles, laws, religions, systems... They give people the sense of what is right and what is wrong.

There is nothing WRONG about this. It keeps order, promotes harmony. People will, therefore, judge unconsciously, even if they SAY they are open minded. How can one be truly open-minded when one has the prior mindset of what's right and what's wrong?

A balance has to be struck and the RIGHT balance will be following what should be RIGHT, tempered with compassion. In this way, the rules set to keep order and harmony are more sensible and flexible. So don't be too hasty in judgement. Be a bit more open-minded as there is always more than one perspective.

Unfortunately, I guess I lack the compassion or I have unconsciously or consciously blocked it out.

Is it a sign?

My emotions can always be described as taking a roller coaster ride. Happy moments, sad moments, doubtful moments, depressed moments, reflective moments...

Yet I do know at the end of the day, when my emotions stabilised, I am back to point one - an odd detachment from everything. I won't say this is good but I prefer the detachment where I am able to analyse and decide for the best in MY best unbiased opinion. Of course, it may not be the best in others' perceptions but at least I am satisified with my decision.

Is this a sign that the best course of action for any decision is to be detached from it? The fact that I always work best when I am detached... Is it a sign that I should adopt this character of mine from now?

Yo ho~~~~

Life is just this simple... You are just too critical and skeptical about life itself...

Such remarks are common in my interaction with friends. Their rationale seems sound for my worry of things which are out of my field of influence.

Yet today I realised that most of the people we hung out with were from the younger generation. I have to admit I am getting old now. Can this be one of the factors that my way of thinking has to be so different from theirs? Then I noticed a few of my friends who are around my age group thinking like the younger generation. Yet, they are all for talk but no actual plan for stability. I wonder about the pros and cons.

*Anyway, I am tired of not being me. However, the ironic part is that I have lost me. Well, regardless, the journey across the seas will continue over the calm or maelstorms. I will sail on for eternity.

When you gain something...

You will stand to lose something as well. That's what one of my friends told me. I felt like I will be losing quite a lot when I made the decision to withdraw myself from the school for 2 years for practical selfish reasons. The experience with the staff, the events, the kids will be invaluable, yet I have to throw this aside for 2 years.

Talk about the worth. I seriously do not know the comparison. Unfortunately or fortunately, it is not much of a choice.

*I felt like I may work hard to have a more meaningful life. People can compare their lives with ships, whether their ships are good. Mine is a good ship but my ship does not have an anchor and mine will continue to sail for an eternity.

Blessing or Curse

For the past two years, it had been a period of decision making. For the 1st part out of the 4 parts of the two years, I thought I would work hard and get the passport to higher education. For the next 3 parts, I decided not to because I was put off by the assessment system the education system has in place. Not that I was complaining, but I was anal about the non-transparency which can not be avoided.

Anyway, for the next 3 parts of the 2 years, I planned for a pass and not the passport which only the people with good results will get.

I was so sure of my planning. I was pissed to see my planning failed because I eventually go the passport to higher education. I should be pleased to receive that for others are dying to have it. Yet it also made me feel that I have become an outcast in certain ways which I cannot explain.

Each time I moved among different levels of educated people, I realised that if I am not the same as them, I do not belong. Maybe I am thinking too much or I am feeling too much, but I do not want to lose good friends. A blessing or a curse? I may not know.

However, be it for myself or my friends, I will take the step out and carry on. I will work hard so that at least they will be proud of me.

Reflections...

The last time a supervisor asked for our reflections, we took a photo of our reflections and submitted it. That was the superficial part. The important part would be to look within ourselves and ask ourselves relevant questions that will help us improve ourselves.

Sometimes though, too much reflection will only invite cynicism or skeptism. And sometimes one gets lost in his or her goals. I am glad a friend found his again since he's offered a chance to further his studies again.

Right now, I think I would like to get lost to find something which has always been lost to me - my personal aim in life. All I had known was that I don't like to look at small pictures. I don't like to be confined.

The cast has been set for the next six months. I will take this time to ponder with my malfunctioned compass.