Humbled

Competitiveness, Idealism, Critical thinking, The desire to have the best education policy for the children..

We have forgotten that we are human beings. We have our flaws; we have our blindspots; we have our crystallised perceptions on how things are to be run.

I have a dream which will overhaul the entire education culture. Yet once awhile, I need a break from that. The friends out there still care. It is I who have lost my sight on that. I just need to push away the mist of ambition to see and I am humbled by what I see.

Blind...

It is unfortunate that some of us out there in the world are physically blind. It is worse when those blind ones are those who are physically abled.

People chose to see things from their points of views. People chose to say that they were open-minded but they have their own perspective of open-mindedness. People chose to say that they were open-minded but they just needed to be right about themselves.

It also results in people not able to see the happy stuff around them as they were too caught up in their visions. They end up being sad and miserable and lacking emotional security. They end up cursing the days and the environment they work or study or (...etc) in.

Quote: Don't pity those physically abled, for the pitiful are not them.

Overpopulation...

One instance of an example of overpopulation... My p4 kids have a conflict today. As usual, they need a mediator and a facilitator. However, before I could even speak, one party has chosen, "There's not a need to solve the problem. I just don't need to friend him."

OK... So what was I going to say? Go ahead since there are plenty of friends for you to choose? Or you have to work things out with that other party regardless? Well, before I could conclude, the kid had already gone ahead with his decision to 'not friend' that other kid.

Overpopulation - luxury of choosing. Choose your friend, choose your girl friend, choose your boy friend, choose your husband/wife, choose your 2nd husband/wife... I have one instance when someone suggested choosing the parents/family...

I am glad I am stuck with some friends, regardless of choice.

Diverse communication

Definition of a hypocrite: a person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives

All of us are to some extent when our words contradict our opinions which we voice out. Sometimes it is done unwittingly, sometimes it is done inevitably, sometimes it is done intentionally.

Sometimes it also happens because of the lack of proper communication which facilitates full understanding of the situation. Sometimes communication is not there because it is assumed that the recipient is not open to listening. Sometimes communication is not there because various recipients receive different communicated information.

Yet who is to judge but the person himself or herself?

Quote of the day: Unhappiness is when you have done something disrespectful to yourself.

Looking Within...

I never like to look at myself in the mirror. I would be picking on my non-symmetrical facial features, my untamable hair, my failing foot, and failing spine ... etc... That's the physical part.

I never like to look at myself in the mirror. I would be picking on my stupidity, my incapability to make better decisions, my incapability to change the matters around me to a more positive light...

Basically, I am inadequate. I am typing this right now at a whim because my foot is acting up again. I am typing this right now because someone's blog has triggered me to look within. Personally, I feel that I won't blame the people around me making weird decisions, be their decisions hurtful to me and others. I feel that I was inadequate to handle it.

I am not strong. I am limited. Yet living and moving on is what I can do.

Idealism

It is set by Man. I can just end off the discussion with the previous sentence and that kinds of sums up almost everything and anything.

What's more to discuss anyway? Some people will like some others' ideals while others may stay neutral or be against them. Then again, the ideals come from Man.

"We reap what we sow." I guess it is still valid. If you have the mentality that you are weak, it may hamper you. If you have the mentality that you want to be stronger, you may be stronger then.

We are what we think. It is sometimes chilling to know that we are the ones who limit ourselves.

Mountains and Seas...

The fan... It is old, yet still usable. The fan's purpose is to ventilate and cool the surroundings.

Yet perceptions can change everything... From an old serviceable fan, it can mean mountains and seas...

Perceptions are powerful...

Perceptions, words, actions...

Words can really be the tools of misconceptions. Guided by different perceptions, words can either be words that heal, or words that hurt.

Actions are once thought to be fatuals or proof of some stuff. Yet actions can also be misleading based on different perceptions...

What is most accurate to impart the intentions to someone? The intention may be good but yet it is hurtful in different perceptions. Is it because of this that people have to keep things secret to others?

All I can say is that I believe intentions are good but they may end up being misunderstood because of the way it is handled. Be direct, and hope that the other party receives it well.

Acceptance in life

What do I really think? What do I really want to do? What do I really want? Who am I?

I found myself unable to answer. I have been building walls around me. The Great Wall of China may be nothing compared to the walls I built around myself. I succeeded in hiding myself from others so well that I have also hid myself from me, too.

Guess I am offered a chance to really let down the walls. It certainly lightens my mood.

Right or Wrong?

If you haven't noticed, our lives evolve around this question: right or wrong? Principles, laws, religions, systems... They give people the sense of what is right and what is wrong.

There is nothing WRONG about this. It keeps order, promotes harmony. People will, therefore, judge unconsciously, even if they SAY they are open minded. How can one be truly open-minded when one has the prior mindset of what's right and what's wrong?

A balance has to be struck and the RIGHT balance will be following what should be RIGHT, tempered with compassion. In this way, the rules set to keep order and harmony are more sensible and flexible. So don't be too hasty in judgement. Be a bit more open-minded as there is always more than one perspective.

Unfortunately, I guess I lack the compassion or I have unconsciously or consciously blocked it out.

Is it a sign?

My emotions can always be described as taking a roller coaster ride. Happy moments, sad moments, doubtful moments, depressed moments, reflective moments...

Yet I do know at the end of the day, when my emotions stabilised, I am back to point one - an odd detachment from everything. I won't say this is good but I prefer the detachment where I am able to analyse and decide for the best in MY best unbiased opinion. Of course, it may not be the best in others' perceptions but at least I am satisified with my decision.

Is this a sign that the best course of action for any decision is to be detached from it? The fact that I always work best when I am detached... Is it a sign that I should adopt this character of mine from now?

Yo ho~~~~

Life is just this simple... You are just too critical and skeptical about life itself...

Such remarks are common in my interaction with friends. Their rationale seems sound for my worry of things which are out of my field of influence.

Yet today I realised that most of the people we hung out with were from the younger generation. I have to admit I am getting old now. Can this be one of the factors that my way of thinking has to be so different from theirs? Then I noticed a few of my friends who are around my age group thinking like the younger generation. Yet, they are all for talk but no actual plan for stability. I wonder about the pros and cons.

*Anyway, I am tired of not being me. However, the ironic part is that I have lost me. Well, regardless, the journey across the seas will continue over the calm or maelstorms. I will sail on for eternity.

When you gain something...

You will stand to lose something as well. That's what one of my friends told me. I felt like I will be losing quite a lot when I made the decision to withdraw myself from the school for 2 years for practical selfish reasons. The experience with the staff, the events, the kids will be invaluable, yet I have to throw this aside for 2 years.

Talk about the worth. I seriously do not know the comparison. Unfortunately or fortunately, it is not much of a choice.

*I felt like I may work hard to have a more meaningful life. People can compare their lives with ships, whether their ships are good. Mine is a good ship but my ship does not have an anchor and mine will continue to sail for an eternity.

Blessing or Curse

For the past two years, it had been a period of decision making. For the 1st part out of the 4 parts of the two years, I thought I would work hard and get the passport to higher education. For the next 3 parts, I decided not to because I was put off by the assessment system the education system has in place. Not that I was complaining, but I was anal about the non-transparency which can not be avoided.

Anyway, for the next 3 parts of the 2 years, I planned for a pass and not the passport which only the people with good results will get.

I was so sure of my planning. I was pissed to see my planning failed because I eventually go the passport to higher education. I should be pleased to receive that for others are dying to have it. Yet it also made me feel that I have become an outcast in certain ways which I cannot explain.

Each time I moved among different levels of educated people, I realised that if I am not the same as them, I do not belong. Maybe I am thinking too much or I am feeling too much, but I do not want to lose good friends. A blessing or a curse? I may not know.

However, be it for myself or my friends, I will take the step out and carry on. I will work hard so that at least they will be proud of me.

Reflections...

The last time a supervisor asked for our reflections, we took a photo of our reflections and submitted it. That was the superficial part. The important part would be to look within ourselves and ask ourselves relevant questions that will help us improve ourselves.

Sometimes though, too much reflection will only invite cynicism or skeptism. And sometimes one gets lost in his or her goals. I am glad a friend found his again since he's offered a chance to further his studies again.

Right now, I think I would like to get lost to find something which has always been lost to me - my personal aim in life. All I had known was that I don't like to look at small pictures. I don't like to be confined.

The cast has been set for the next six months. I will take this time to ponder with my malfunctioned compass.

Once in a lifetime...

Once in a lifetime, we do something real stupid. Once in a lifetime, I saw an orange headed man trying to engage the girls in the MRT in his perfect Mandarin with crappy contents. The girls obviously wanted to be left alone, but the man did not relent. Well fortunately, he left after a long torturous 25 minutes' MRT ride.

I thought that was something quite bad, but I realised that there was something worse. Once in a lifetime, we can do something stupid. However, if in an extended period in a lifetime, we are doing the same stupid stuff, that is worse than stupidity. That's moronic.

I hope I can do something about it, but it will cost. Well, it is just a matter of time to pay the price. I have thought of it; I have prepared for it; I am left with the execution...

By popular demand.....

Democratic is the word people use when it comes to nominating or choosing some people for a task. The people who choose argue that they choose based on the capabilities and the character of the person. The people claim they know the person and that the person is a person of integrity.

So is it true that the majority's belief will always win the minority's belief? If the minority knows that the person is not up to it, does it matter? No, it doesn't. In the face of 'democracy', the majority wins.

This can be one area where democracy is being abused.

How hard is it to understand a situation?

Impossibly hard...

I watched the Pirates of the Carribean III last night. I found myself empathising with the main character Jack Sparrow in the movie. There was one man who was supposed to be self-centered, only intent on saving his ass, manipulating others, stepping over others to reach his target. Yet at the end, he was plagued by indecision whether to become the next immortal Captain or to save someone who has betrayed him quite a number of times.

The indecision at that point of time marked the struggle between the two decisions, either for your self, or for the other people around you. I won't even mutter the words 'good' or 'evil', for these two words are biased, determined by rules and laws of communities or rather perception. I was accused of criticising someone when the intention was not so. The judgement call was made without even questioning the intention and worse, it was made by assumption when that someone was working on unbiaseness.

I gave up my seat in the MRT for a pregnant lady. The pregnant lady thanked the person who was standing in front of me, rather than me. Fine.

I tried to get people to reflect based on explicit questioning into specifics. I was accused of criticising too. Well done.

Miscommunication is the 'in' thing in this era where people judged on impression, and not by analysis of evidence from all sides.

What I want in life for now

Loving oneself can be a chore. I love myself enough to not do things I do not like. I don't like to act or be a hypocrite. I like to see friends around me happy and with a genuine smile on their faces.

Yet I am not knowledgeable enough to know what I should do to help my friends in a generally correct way. So if I have to be the gong kia, I will be one. If I have to be the one whose words are direct and harsh, I will be one. If I have to be the weirdo, I will be one. If I have to be the one who people will ignore, I will be one. I just know I do what I can.

Today my friends and I went TCC instead of the Settlers. We ended up playing 'ji gou pa'. It was lame but it was fun and it brought laughter from us. I really treasure the laughable moments where everyone is happy and any trouble is forgotten.

I just want to fulfil a simple thing to have my friends happy with their lives generally.

10 weeks

I thought it would be fast, but it was not. Hectic, packed to the brim, trying to breathe could be some of the stuff which could be used to describe the past 10 weeks of attachment.

It was not a nice feeling trying to rush. It was worse when I knew I had to push 40 cute children to rush too. I did not have the time to really interact with them. I also did not really wish to because I did not want to miss them too much when I left the attachment. Worked perfectly to the boss's guidelines to males in this career path : Build a rapport with them but do not be close to them.

Their guideline is a contradiction. There is no way to build a good rapport without being close to them. That would be superficial.

Anyway, despite all my efforts to keep a distance, I was still touched by some of their actions. 10 weeks were not wasted just on the attachment after all. I still managed to touch some hearts...

Past and Future...

One aspect taught to young people about the internet was internet safety. I thought by changing my id, I have also succeeded in throwing aside my past blog. I should have deleted it entirely instead. Somehow or rather, some people got wind of my past blog and visited it. I should have known better.

It is just a little incident but it got me thinking. Our past will always haunt us no matter where we go. We may 'have started afresh' but that may not be true in reality. So, if you are still young, do not decide to do things which you will get to regret in future.

As for me, I am not looking back. We are born with our eyes facing the front, so we can look into the future and beyond. The past will be there, but I will move on with steps ringing of confidence in myself.

Anything to be happy about?

Woo Ha!! Yee Ha!! Posting for my job is finally out...

Wait. Is there a cause for all this excitement? True, it is a choice which one will not complain at all. True, although I will lose some good friends from there, I will also gain new good friends there. However, it is still just a notification only to where I will be for at least the next 5 years of my life.

Sometimes, being one who kicks myself, I wonder if it is better to have a fresh start someplace else where nobody knows my flaws so I can start rebuilding my impression. Well, I don't have the chance for that I guess. Better make do with what I have now to the maximum.

Putting aside unhappy stuff for small things

My happy days ended when I passed 22. For each problem that comes along, I was mired deeper into the hole in the ground. I was digging a grave for myself. So far, I think I am deep enough to be hidden from the rest.

I also chose a life-long career which allows me to become the hermit from reality. Escaping from realism is what I do. Escapist is my middle name. I am so holed up that I don't get to see the products and causes of my past issues at all. In a way, I can say I am spared the remembrance part, unless I choose to recall.

I am now concentrating on my new life in this small little hole I dug and taking pleasure in small little things like when some generous people decided to colour up my life by just drawing a simple cute picture on my intray of work. It certainly brightens up the day.

Evolution of Mankind

I suddenly have this thought while reading through the evolution of species- species evolve because they need to adapt to a distinct change in environment factors. Mankind has evolved too in their intellectual capability. However...

Mankind has already reached the peak of the food chain on Earth. Mankind is now manipulating to change the environment factors to suit themselves. Mankind only has its own kind to contend with. In this case, evolution may stagnate for Mankind.

What will it take to trigger another evolution stage for Mankind? Ice Age? Some of us may think that we have to reach beyond to find more challenges for ourselves instead of contending with only our fellow human beings. This may be why some of us are pushing for space exploration where Mankind can reach another level.

Sadly, Mankind still cannot move from our comfort zone which is Earth in this case. We work to maintain our economy and nations. We work for our families and ourselves. NASA space exploration lacks funds to push their projects through. We are hardly moving forward as a species...

Dig this idea...

Perseverence may not always be the answer...

One of the values learnt in life - perserverence. Not giving up but moving on ahead is defined as a value. It ascertains that one does not give up his or her efforts so that fruitful success will be attained. That somehow sums up perserverence.

There is the Chinese story where the old woman filed a metal rod into a needle. Yes, the impossible is reached. Yet the time she put into that can be used to invent something more useful or do more meaningful things. The Chinese story has phased out.

Perseverence is good but without planning, it will go nowhere unless you have plenty of luck. For example, if you want to smash your way through a 3m concrete wall, it is better to plan to get more or better instruments than rather take a hammer up and challenge the wall. It is a lesson which I learnt through pain and lots of regret.

Stop a moment to consider this. Sometimes, we may find ourselves at great odds against the majority. Sometimes, we feel that it is unfair and nobody understands. However, perseverence to survive is not just enough.

Strategies need to be planned out to find out the root of the problem which you can tackle, at least something in your area of influence. Look within yourself, learn to be smart while you fight on. Some battles can only be fought once, so there is no repeated telecast, make the best out of it, instead of just going out to confront with only a stubborn dense mind.

My choice

I cannot say I have really done fishing. However, I can safely say that unless if I have beginner's luck, I will most probably be seated at the water side, waiting for nothing to surface.

This can be one of life's metaphor. We are fishing for the right fish that will give us the satisfaction and fulfilment for all the time we have wasted at the water side. However, let's face the truth. If you catch one fish, that fish will never be the right one, for you will want to catch another one. If you do not catch anything, your patience will wear out and in the end, you will be disillusioned and say something like, "There is no fish which deserves my time and efforts."

So what do we want? I cannot answer for you. I walk with my eyes blind to the world around me, be it friends or family, for I reckon they will not have the answer for me. Hope is what people say when they face difficulties. They want a miracle to happen.

Come on. Hope is just simply a carrot hanging in front of a donkey, plodding it to move on. Hope is the denial of reality. I choose to remove the carrot and walk with my eyes open.

Start of a new life

Changing of identity is always symbolic. It means a decision being made so one can move on and start afresh, without carrying the weight of the past. Yet it can be easier said than that.

Well, it doesn't condemn an attempt at least. So here I am, a new meaning injected into the remaining years of my life as I start blogging anew...

I am Naru, short of narcissist.